Bit by bit fibro kills me. Bit by bit. From my strength, my pride and my soul, it takes pieces. A fibromyalgia diagnosis is a lifetime death penalty. I have been living with it for seven years, and I have not yet done my sorrow for my life. Right now, I should prepare to study abroad for a year. In another language, I ought to be fluent. After spending a night with friends, I ought to be hungry every Sunday.
Rather, I lie every day in bed. Or I’m lying on the couch. Or I’m going to another’s house and lying on a bed or sofa. Fibro’s a jealous friend, an arch nemesis. It’s always there trying to take me down at all times. In an old silent film, it’s like the villain. He’s a twirly moustache man with a strewn jumper and a cape who snarles comically behind me and thinks he’s invisible behind a branch of a tree.
But it’s the other way around again.
I only see it and my listeners are blind rather than the audience knowing that the villain is there and that the protagonist is ignorant. My physical and emotional strength is fibro chips. Every set takes a bit of me away. I don’t know how long it will be until all collapses. My foundations were removed by Fibro.
I have built the foundations on this earth for 20 years. I feel like a Jenga game, I get closer to tumbling on the ground each time the fibro struck. Perhaps I crashed and burned already. Perhaps it’s rock ground. I would say it’s probably if I didn’t know how fibro was. I can’t do it or I think I can be the lowest. But in this curse there is no way I could trust so much.
I might feel the worst pain I have ever suffered and my fibro treat it as a challenge, because it’ll be worse next time. Some flare ups are better than others, but other test my emotional and physical strength more than I could have imagined before. It’s not an imaginary excuse for fibromyalgia.
If I had the option of getting rid of the demon that holds me, I would have been without hesitation, never choosing this life for me. This is my life. This is my life. That’s true. It is me, and for every moment of my day it’s and will be with me throughout my life.
- whispered in my ear
- “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm”
- Today I whispered in the Devil’s ear
- “I am the storm”
- I am Fibromyalgia Warrior
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