I was very young when I fell pregnant 17 years ago. My son was nearly killed at school. I started bleeding and instead of a baby, I got cancer. A doctor told me that I should have died. I was treated with chemotherapy 18 times. I had 3 young sons and a husband who worked too much. I was lucky my parents were there for us.
Once my cancer had gone into remission, I was diagnosed with Dystonia and Fibromyalgia.
We lost two family members who we loved so much and as a result of this, I started to suffer from bad depression. My husband wanted a divorce, and while sick, I moved out with my 3 sons, 2 dogs and our fish. I took my husband’s phone and saw naked photos of him and another woman. I read their conversations and found that they also spoke about me. He had to tell his sons what he had done. Every time we thought he was at a hotel for the whole weekend with his Firm, he had in fact been with this woman and her daughter. We had barely been out of the house for 3 months, when she moved into our house with her daughter. My sons became nothing but worthless to him. This was 11 years ago, and it still hurts. We were together for 23 years and had 3 sons. He told me that he knew I would have stayed if it was him that got sick.
I now also have something wrong with my back, my lungs, low metabolism, migraines, and a lot more. My Dystonia affects my whole body. I have Botox done in a lot of my muscles every 3 months, to stop my spasms. I take lots of medication but have stopped the morphine and started with Low-Dose Naltrexone. It’s worth a try. I am in pain every second of my life. I can’t do very much. I have 2 grown sons at home as they are still studying. We live off my pension as I can’t work.
I try to be happy. My eldest son lives in the UK with his wife and my 2 grandsons. I miss them so much it hurts. I rent a house which is too expensive, but nobody will help me. I have searched and searched but cannot find a cheaper place. This causes a lot of stress for me and makes my pain worse. I have had thoughts about taking my own life. I have cut myself but because I know that my ex-husband will not do anything for his sons, I have stayed. I take care of them and do what I can for them. They make food for me and help a lot around the house. Every 14 days, a lady comes to clean some of our house and every morning I have a lady who comes and helps with my clothes. There has been a lot of bad things that have happened in our lives.
I still see some of my ex-husbands family. Yesterday I sent flowers to his sister for her 60th birthday. One of my son’s who live with me, started a job and will help me pay some of the bills. He needs to save his money and will perhaps move out in a years time. Now I don’t stress as much as I used to. He has promised to help me find a cheaper home and I know when that happens, I will feel better.
I have made new friends, not many, but I am able to trust them. Don’t spend time with friends who you are unable to discuss your illness with and try find friends who have the same illness as you. Do what makes you happy as we only have one life. Watch the birds outside. Put some food out for them so that you can sit inside and watch them. Eat healthy, but it’s okay to have chocolate and cake sometimes. Try to be happy.
When I was on morphine, I always took extra when my grandsons visited as I wanted to be able to play with them. It didn’t matter that I was going to suffer from pain and fatigue for a week thereafter. I will do anything for my grandsons. I’m lucky to still have my parents helping us. I also have a helper that takes me on outings. We have become very good friends and I am always able to call or write to her and she does the same. I feel lucky to have found her.
In the future, I see myself living in a cheaper place with a little garden. If my dog doesn’t survive till then, I will get another little dog. I dream that I will meet a man who will understand and accept me, will all my illnesses. I believe that my dream will come true. Love to all my fellow Fibromyalgia warriors
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