Two years have passed since chronically ill people fell and what a scooter ride. For rollercoasters I was never really one, but here I am on a ride of my life!
All of it was rolling on the road of the rollers, chugging and barrelling through curves with endless twist and turn, high and lowering, screaming up atop my lungs, stomach in knots, feeling extremely dizzy and mischievous …… Aid! Just make it stop somebody, please! There was a mistake. I’m here, however.
I definitely wouldn’t say I’m homebound, wrapped up in chronic pain and endless cycles of extreme fatigue if you ask me two years ago where I would find myself, I feel like I’ve run a marathon yet have gone nowhere. Often days to be couched … Days of deception, days of discouragement, moments of anguish full of frustration, sadness, darkness and tears … You’ve got the picture, I ‘m sure!
Life has been hard-to tell, it’s not just for me, but also for my family, with definite moments to abandon! When all is said and done, my heart breaks for them many days because they too must accept the ‘new normal.’ A life with a spouse who can not do a job, who can’t always help, and the list continues and continues! A mother who often spends days in a dark , quiet room because the lights are too luminous, the rumor is dull and unable to talk because you have no energy. I mean who wants such a spouse and mom! How is it that you move on?
Yet here, two years later, we are, in the hope of coming out braver and stronger than before, forging our way through the deepest darkest valley.
I am very glad to accept, but also many bitter pills I almost snuffed … not to death, but incompetent and breathless … I have been chronically ill. Still, I’m still here, we ‘re here still!
Before I go on sharing the other part of my story, with a mental still full of pain, a lot of fear, doubts and anxiety, I humbly acknowledge that with a generous temperature that has been given to me, I am precisely where I want to stay, God and Father!
Yes! Yes! I know deep into my heart this’s the right place and time for me, and many more yesses (even a word) This isn’t what I like or want, but I do accept it’s okay!
I give up!
I’m in this space right now, this moment when I found what I was looking for – true faith, true love, and myself. It was a place to dig deeper, a bubblant, overflowing river, a mountain that seemed unbreakable, but still I got up. I am yet in the muddy, dirty and dusty fighting and sickness trenches, yet I’m rising! I get up because I’ve got one that’s larger than my circumstances inside me. Grace and mercy from God have kept me in the mountains, His love and strength, even though I am still in the deepest , darkest valley.
My body is laid down for many days in this deep , dark valley, with no hope of redemption.
I am sitting with my mind and heart on tops of mountains in lush green pastures, breathing his Spirit in my pale, drawn face, like the beauty of mist that rests on the rugged creeks. The Spirit of God renovates me, it gives me energy! I feel weak but stronger than ever, because I’m in front of my healer, my Savior, my lawyer, my counselor, my soul ‘s lover! I just rest in him! I rest in him! In my body, I might feel death, yet in little yet beautiful ways, my mind comes alive every day.
So, yes! So, yes! It’s me and my chronically ill life, but I still stand, trusting a miracle to God! Oh, I think!
And then returning to the thinking of the lessons I learned because what is the intention to do without learning?
Maybe your challenge to life isn’t the same but I hope you’ll learn from my experience.
I have learned my lessons:
•I learned that pain is part of the spiritual progress process. You must embrace suffering if you want to grow. It is not God’s desire to suffer but we live in a fallen world and He uses such moments to help us spiritually grow and mature. He never wanted us to suffer like this, but he will do it well!
Through this long, ardent journey, I have learned who I can and must trust and rely on.
•I learned that, despite my shortcomings and faults, God is good and he loves me.
•Only because of who I’m, I learned I’m enough. If you are incapable, just because you are who you are and not what you do, you must know that you are sufficient.
•I learned that God controls it all. Hahahaha. Go figure …
•I learned that timing with God is all. It ‘s certainly not human time. It’s time. The most important principle in God’s life is to WAIT! Only simple and old-fashioned waiting is nothing extravagant. Trust me, I’m not the first, and you won’t be either, and everything’s all right because it’s part of the study process. To bring this idea into view… Think of the farmer planting crop seeds … Most of his time is spent waiting for an abundant and fruitful harvest. He waits with patience in faith after all preparations and necessities. I believe that we could only learn one or two things.
•I learned that it’s all right to be vulnerable and deeply despaired, but still get up, appear and take the next step, even if it’s a small one towards progress and healing.
•I learned that when you’re hurting, it’s all right to cry.
•I’ve also learned that the majority of times, because not everyone will understand, you will have your own cheerleader.
•I have learned the happiness of celebrating a life of good limits and godliness. On this journey, I found a delicious silver fit that fortunately taught me to make good use of.
•I have learned to release the offense (because people will certainly hurt you even if it is unintentional).
•I have learned more chronically ill sufferers with compassion and empathy. Most people don’t think you ‘re sick because you don’t look sick, but I’m learning to use the well known words. Do not judge a book by the cover and be kind to anyone you meet.
I can share much more with you, but a blog is too brief to capture the journey. I’m still on which by-the-way … It’d be the perfect book.!-Mmm! I don’t know, perhaps one day! What do you think?-
So I only have one regret as I look back at two years that seemed like an eternity … I wish I had been more attentive to what God was and continues to be doing and did not fight against it so hard but no one is perfect!
For any chronic illness you are facing or are currently facing, please be aware that my heart is for you and I will pray for you.
Always send my love,